Shoutbox (Disabled)

[Original Fiction] Project Furor

Discussion in 'Unrelated Discussion' started by Furor, Aug 10, 2015.

  1. Furor

    Furor Member

    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    32
    INTRODUCTION: Maybe I'm writing this just because this is the most boring summer I've ever had and I don't know what to do, or maybe because I find this cool (of course i find this cool, I made it...), but anyway, this is the story behind my fursona and I decided it can be a good exercise for my english (I'm italian) to try to write it. I'll try to write new parts of the story each day and make the story go on as long as I can, without making it boring. Hope you'll enjoy it.



    Project Furor - Part 1# - Prodigal Angel

    My story started almost at its end, or at least this was what I thought. I was feeling hot, even if I was lying on the snow, it was hard to breathe and I was just trying be calm and quiet. I was enjoying the peacefulness of the snowstorm, while the snow was covering me. My eyes were closed as I was trying to focus on my body. It hurt. It hurt a lot. I couldn't remember why I was there, what happened before, the only thing I knew was that I hadn't much time left, not in that condition. A few minutes after I woke up I realised... that beautiful hot sensation was my blood, slowly covering the snow around me, and I was short of breath because my right lung collapsed. The shard of a rock was stuck on my right side. Apparently I fell on it, and it pierced my flesh, collapsing my lung. I was overwhelmed enough by these sensations to ignore the fact that my head hurt.. guess I fell a lot before waking up like that.
    I was too weak to shout and call for help, and my white fur wouldn't have helped, as I was completely hidden in the snow. I couldn't resist anymore. I stood in the snow, unable to do anything, when I noticed a figure in the distance, slowly moving in the snow... but I was too weak to call it. And so I closed my eyes...

    When I was unable to move, I was still able to feel, the touch of a hand on my fur, and the soft voice of a woman, covered by the sound of the snowstorm. She asked me:
    -What are you?
    With the last energies I had, I tried to whisper to her:
    -Help me...

    Then I must have passed out, I woke up in a bed, apparently not much time has passed, it was still night, and it was still snowing. I turned my head, moving my sight from the window at my left to the girl who saved me at my right. There was a lamp behind her, and because of the contrast, I was unable to focus on her face. She covered me with a blanket, and then she disappeared in the corridor of the house. The place was not big, the bed where I was lying was at the right of the kitchen, just a little wall divided the two spaces. After a few seconds she came back, holding a first aid kit in her right hand and a little tube in the left.
    Giving me a quick glimspe before reaching the bed, she grabbed a scarf from a cabinet, and placed it in my mouth:
    -Bite this and try to don't make any sound, this is gonna hurt a bit.
    She placed her left hand near the wound, while holding the rock shard with the other hand. After a second, she vigorously pulled the shard out of my body, and as she said, it hurt. I whimpered, biting hard on the scarf, trying to make no sound.
    She moved to the kitchen to heat the little tube on the cooker. I didn't know what was going to happen nor why she was doing that.
    -I have to pump air in your lung to fix it- she said -I hope this tube will do the job.
    I could feel my body tensing, preparing for the imminent pain. I looked her in the eyes and I bite hard on the scarf, looking like I was saying "just do it quickly please". She inserted the tube, the contact with my flesh was painful, but it didn't last long. In around 10 seconds, it was over, 10 incredibly long seconds. I could breathe now.

    The pain was slowly fading away, as may have done our footsteps in the snowstorm. It was time to relax and sleep, tomorrow would have been a better day... but my night wasn't over, this nightmare seemed to have no end. I lied on the bed, and she took place at my left. I turned my head once more, and looking her in the eyes I said:
    -Thank you.
    With the lights off now, I fell asleep, driven by the sound of the wind outside the window, and a dim light from a distant streetlight. The girl who saved me slept at my side. She seemed caring, even though she didn't know me, and I was different. Questions started to pop in my mind. Am I the different one? Or is she different? Why I was there, and what happened to me? But most important, why can't I remember anything of my past? Not even my name. Who am I? It was better to not to dwell on it and try to sleep. I felt home somehow, in this little apartment on the second floor. It was a quiet place, maybe small, but I didn't care. This calm lasted only an hour or so. As I heard the steps of multiple people coming up the stairs, it was obvious they were coming for me. I woke up the girl, gently placing my hand on her mouth, letting her understand to be quiet. I got out of the bed, and hid behind a wall, standing on one of the chairs of the kitchen table, with the corridor and the entrance door behind me, at my left. Someone knocked on the door. With a quick glance, I let her know to don't do anything. They knocked again, and shouted from behind the door:
    -Open the door right now!
    We remained silent for a few seconds, looking at each other. Then the guy spoke again:
    -Did you hear me miss? Open the door, now!
    I moved my head in the direction of the door. She jumped out the bed, and replied to them:
    -Okay, I'm coming.
    She unlocked the door, and as soon as she opened it, the military entered the house, looking in every corner of it. When I sensed one of them coming from behind the corner where I was hiding, I jumped from the chair on him, kicking his head and pushing his body on the kitchen furniture. As he falls down on the floor, I picked up his handgun and quickly pointed it at the others... but it was too late, one of them already had the girl as a hostage, pointing his gun at her head. I let the gun slid from my hand, and surrendered. The guy I attacked before was still conscious, and bashed my head from behind with the folding of his rifle. I fall to the ground, unconscious.


    I woke up in a dark room, with my hands and feet chained to the wall, once again, the girl was at my side, this time in my same condition. I asked her:
    -What do they want from us?
    And she replied:
    -They don't want anything from me...
    I was the problem, and now she was in this because of me. Nice way to repay the one that saved me. I needed to get us out of here, but as soon as I tried to unchain myself, a figure entered the room. Turning the lights on, we were now able to see. There was a table and a chair in front of us. The figure we saw was a man, a militar, and judging by his face, he wasn't happy to see me for some reason. He unchained the girl and moved her to the seat in front of me, chaining her again at the table. He turned his head to me, and started to interrogate me:
    -So... who are you?
    I answered:
    -I don't know.
    He nod with his head for a few seconds, getting closer to me, looking me in the eyes. Then he punched me on the muzzle.
    -Don't lie to me! This can only end worse for you. Tell me the truth, who are you?
    Once again, I said:
    -This is the truth. I don't know.
    He immediately punched me, this time on the chest and more than one time. When he finished, I spit blood and sensed my wound open again. He wasn't satisfied yet, he wanted answers, answers I don't have.
    He stretched his hands, preparing for the next question:
    -Let's try something else. Why are you here? Who sent you?
    Maybe he was aware I didn't know, and was just enjoying using me as a punching ball. From behind him, the girl said:
    -He doesn't know, stop hurting him!
    The militar turned to her, pointing at me with the finger:
    -If you don't shout your mouth, I'll shut his, forever.
    He turned back to me, repeating the question. As he expected, I didn't know. With all the rage in his body, he targeted my left ribs, breaking one of them with a single hit. I shouted, and he locked my mouth with his left hand, holding it tight:
    -Did I give you permission to shout?
    As a repercussions of that, he broke my left leg with a vigorous kick, at the level of the tibia. I was moaning with my mouth closed, but the girl couldn't hold it anymore and shouted:
    -STOP HURTING HIM YOU BASTARD!
    He turned again to her, but this time no words, only violence. He released my mouth, and I spit more blood on the floor. He went near the girl, and slapped her in the face, throwing her on the floor with her hands still cuffed at the table. I was weak, but that slap enraged me, with my head down I asked:
    -How you dare to hit a girl?
    It seemed to hit a nerve, but no fun this time. He picked up his gun, and pointed it at me. He was ready to shoot, when another militar entered the room. He was required for some reason, and forced to go against his will.
    Before leaving the room he looked me, and exclaimed:
    -I'll deal with you later.

    TO BE CONTINUED - End of part 1#
     
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2015
    Dracoil, cameron589, Xanthous and 3 others like this.
  2. Tanner Suzillian

    Tanner Suzillian New Member

    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    2
    *Stood
     
  3. TensaiNeko

    TensaiNeko New Member

    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    18
    I want to apologize first if I become overbearing with my 'corrections'. Also, none of the grammar really takes away from the story, it is a decent start, pretty basic. But if you want tips on English...

    I am going off assumptions so I apologize again, if this is unwarranted.
    I could be *Tomorrow would be a better day...* but the way it is fits.

    *know : (didn't) is present tense

    *Questions : Because there are more than one.

    *Or is she different? : Not a necessary edit, but flows more naturally.

    I was slightly confused, where the people coming to the floor, or the footsteps.

    *I woke the girl up. Not a necessary edit.

    *knocked on the door.

    *I let her know to not do anything. :Not a necessary edit.

    You might want to say "military men" or "the military". Changes the flow.

    *As he falls-

    [has] can be changed for [had]: better flow. [a] instead of [an] since 'hostage' does not begin with a vowel.

    *I let the gun slide-. Present tense.

    The various references to falling to the ground is often, [to] instead of [on]. Not a necessary edit.

    I honestly feel that the 'misspellings' and 'wrong grammar' actually add to the character's personality. Which is also why I feel a little bad for correcting it. Sorry if my recommendations are confusing.

    Yeah, overall a good opening.
     
  4. Furor

    Furor Member

    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    32
    I asked in the introduction to point the grammar mistakes, as I said, I'm Italian, this is mostly an exercise for my english, I want to write, read and speak it better. Appriciated that you spent time in correcting me. Just a tip for the next time, if something is not wrong, but it could sound better, don't point that out, I want to write in my personal style, in a corret english of course, but in my personal style.
     
  5. TensaiNeko

    TensaiNeko New Member

    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    18
    Yeah, I was thinking of that, that's why I obstained the first time. Sorry... I'll keep it to story opinions from now on.
     
  6. Furor

    Furor Member

    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    32
    No no no, please I want grammar corrections, I don't want to know when I could have write in another way when what I wrote is grammatically correct.
     
  7. TensaiNeko

    TensaiNeko New Member

    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    18
    Oh, alright. I'll just make sure to scrutinize before I criticize. But I think other readers might do better, heh.
     
  8. Furor

    Furor Member

    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    32
    Don't worry, I appreciate the constructive critics, they help me do stuff better and improve :D
     
  9. soulus42

    soulus42 Member Team Amorous Supporter

    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    15
    "Did you heard me miss?" heard should be hear in this case.
     
  10. Furor

    Furor Member

    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    32
    Thanks :D
     
  11. TensaiNeko

    TensaiNeko New Member

    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    18
    Some good additions to the protagonist's outlook in this one.

    It seems kind of redundant to say these so close to each other. Maybe "-slept at my side" for the second one since being on his left is not important in this scene. Leave the first one as is.

    "It was better not to dwell-"

    Nitpick: It feels kind of disjointed. "-from the chair on him,"
     
  12. Furor

    Furor Member

    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    32
    At this point, can I ask you to be my editor? I'm not joking. You're helping me a lot.
     
  13. TensaiNeko

    TensaiNeko New Member

    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    18
    I'd love to! If you really trust me with this, of course.
     
  14. Furor

    Furor Member

    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    32
    My first idea for this story was to make it in form of comic, but I would need someone able to draw, cause I'm unable to draw even a stickman. For the moment I'll develop it in form of novel, for that comic.. maybe later on..
     
  15. TensaiNeko

    TensaiNeko New Member

    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    18
    For a short story a comic seems viable, but I can barely make cartoons...
    Yeah, for a novel I can be of more help, instead.
     
  16. Furor

    Furor Member

    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    32
    I wasn't asking you to make a comic of it, just to be the editor, correct the grammar and stuff like that. My idea was to develop it as a comic, maybe with the help of a good drawer.
     
  17. TensaiNeko

    TensaiNeko New Member

    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    18
    I know, I was making a joke. Hehehehe, didn't go well...
    Yeah, I'll be your editor.
     
  18. TensaiNeko

    TensaiNeko New Member

    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    18
    foots should be feet.

    nod with his head

    "-stop hurting him"

    "-pointing at me with-"

    Did I give you permission to shout?

    "-with her hands still cuffed" if you meant both hands.

    -and pointed it at me.
     
  19. BinaryHedgehog

    BinaryHedgehog New Member

    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    2
    I don't believe he's unsure of this statement, so you should change it so that he either shouts with confidence or rather ask something like "Why would you hit a girl?"
     
  20. TensaiNeko

    TensaiNeko New Member

    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    18
    I thought, "How dare you hit a girl?", but since it's dialogue I felt it was an unnecessary edit.
     

Share This Page